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Author's Comments
From The Writer's Block.
Prompt: "It's been fifteen years since I saw my mother." ---------- #22. Mother. *100ThemesChallenge has permission to display this in their gallery. [link] |
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Comments
But, it was good. Very nice. It was very real...
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Part of growing up was learning not to be quite that honest- learning when it was better to lie; rather than hurt someone with the truth.
I had a hard time establishing what point in her life the narrator was at while telling the story.
Maybe this is just style, but in the 1st paragraph I would put quotations around "should always look dignified." for emphasis. Also insert "to" before "stay out of trouble".
Paragraph 3: Consider a change to "They ran away together... not approve (of the pregnancy)." Ran away + elope feels semi redundant. Also, small typo ("was" notorious).
Paragraph 7: Again, maybe just a stylistic element: "for years pouring through massive crowds of strangers". "Heard (news?) of her death,". Change punctuation of the sentence "She had remarried a French man named David; a stepfather...". "Probably happy (in those days)." To tie up that last paragraph, maybe add a little something like "But who was I to say?"
Anyway, just a few ideas, hopefully constructive ones. But really, if you take anything away from this comment, let it be the first paragraph, I really liked this one.
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Check out =RawEm0tion.
Know what it means to feel alive.
I'm glad you liked it overall. Some of the things you mentioned were simply typos; I noticed them again when I reread the piece. I typed this up pretty fast. But I went back and changed most of the things you mentioned. I don't quite know how to change up the voice of the narrator so that you know where she is in her life; I'll have to take more time later to go back and work on that.
But once again, thank you very much.
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Founder of #Inked-Page | Staff for #LITplease
Literature Judge: I am NOT for Sale
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"Podem matar uma, duas ou três rosas... Mas nunca deterão a Primavera"
My English sucks
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Soy Kimmeh-chan.
Help? [link]
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Founder of #Inked-Page | Staff for #LITplease
Literature Judge: I am NOT for Sale
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Soy Kimmeh-chan.
Help? [link]
Just an idea of course, up to you. It's still really good as a stand alone piece.
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'if you wish to be a writer... write.'
- epictetus
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Founder of #Inked-Page | Staff for #LITplease
Literature Judge: I am NOT for Sale
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