That made me want to cry! =[

But, it was good. Very nice. It was very real...

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Part of growing up was learning not to be quite that honest- learning when it was better to lie; rather than hurt someone with the truth.

I liked this piece, especially in the way that it flowed so well. None of the the transitions were awkward, and the narrator was (at least to me) very strong. There was a rather nostalgic.. vintage, really, feeling about this whole thing. To me, it seemed like it could have easily been taken from a black and white film. I'm sure you're quite pleased with this piece (as I would also be, had I written it) but a few points to consider:

I had a hard time establishing what point in her life the narrator was at while telling the story.

Maybe this is just style, but in the 1st paragraph I would put quotations around "should always look dignified." for emphasis. Also insert "to" before "stay out of trouble".

Paragraph 3: Consider a change to "They ran away together... not approve (of the pregnancy)." Ran away + elope feels semi redundant. Also, small typo ("was" notorious).

Paragraph 7: Again, maybe just a stylistic element: "for years pouring through massive crowds of strangers". "Heard (news?) of her death,". Change punctuation of the sentence "She had remarried a French man named David; a stepfather...". "Probably happy (in those days)." To tie up that last paragraph, maybe add a little something like "But who was I to say?"

Anyway, just a few ideas, hopefully constructive ones. But really, if you take anything away from this comment, let it be the first paragraph, I really liked this one.

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Thank you very much for the comment. I really appreciate your suggestions and advice, not only for this piece, but for any of them. They're very helpful.

I'm glad you liked it overall. Some of the things you mentioned were simply typos; I noticed them again when I reread the piece. I typed this up pretty fast. But I went back and changed most of the things you mentioned. I don't quite know how to change up the voice of the narrator so that you know where she is in her life; I'll have to take more time later to go back and work on that.

But once again, thank you very much.

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Founder of #Inked-Page | Staff for #LITplease
Literature Judge: I am NOT for Sale

^{This is very beautiful, but so sad! I really like it}

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<sub>"Podem matar uma, duas ou três rosas... Mas nunca deterão a Primavera"

My English sucks</sub>

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Help? [link]

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Thanks for the favorite.

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Founder of #Inked-Page | Staff for #LITplease
Literature Judge: I am NOT for Sale

Welcome~



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<sub>Soy Kimmeh-chan.

Help? [link]

Ouran | Furuba | sG! | Bleach | Princess Tutu | Sumomomo | Rosario+Vampire | Naruto | Poke | DN</sub>

This was very lovely.. although sad. It would be nice to see the Mother's pov - like a bit of prose on her behalf. I doubt she was really "sipping champagne all day in an apartment near Paris" so it would be interesting to experiment with her story.

Just an idea of course, up to you. It's still really good as a stand alone piece.

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'if you wish to be a writer... write.'
- epictetus

That's a great idea. Thanks for the comment.

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Founder of #Inked-Page | Staff for #LITplease
Literature Judge: I am NOT for Sale